What's In a Name?

There have been days in which some students seem to think we should stop calling the process college admissions and, instead, call it college rejections.  Why do they become so cynical and discouraged?

In the ‘70s, many students told me they wanted to do something important in life.  They wanted to use their education in order to improve society.  By the ‘80s, everything had changed.  K-12 education was about doing what was necessary to get into a “good” college, which inevitably would lead to a “good” graduate school and then to a “good” job, which was thought to be the sole ticket to success in life.  Not developing the mind, but getting into the right college became the mantra, the raison d’etre, for education.  In middle school, a student told me that B+ on a test was not acceptable because it wouldn’t get her in to the right college, which her father insisted meant Harvard and nowhere else.  A high school student wanted advice about which extra-curricular activity to sign up for.  He wanted to know what would look better to colleges. 

Our culture places great importance on not just getting a college education, but getting it from the “right” school.  In some parts of this country, this message is overtly inculcated starting in elementary school.  We place great burdens on our children, and then we seem to tell them that they are not good enough to get that prized golden ring.

I work with students who start out having high hopes for their future.  They have those dreams of getting into good colleges, at least until they see their SAT scores.  Suddenly they feel as if someone has stamped their forehead with a neon “NOT IVY LEAGUE QUALITY – FAILURE FOR LIFE.” 

We put so much pressure on adolescents, and we’ve done it for so long that we do not even pause to think if it makes sense.  We now give PSATs in the sophomore year.  Sure, we say they don’t count, but everyone knows better.  Because PSATs are predictive of SAT scores, and everyone knows how important they are, students know PSATs are important.  But nothing brands a student like a hard number.  It’s not easy being a 55 when society values 70s and above. 

Adolescents walk into living rooms to say hello to friends of their parents and are asked, “What colleges are you applying to?”  This is a well-meant, innocent question, but it can hurt just as if the students had been cut by some sort of emotional knife if the colleges are not well-known, highly competitive schools. 

What we adults often fail to realize is that this is the first time students have had to market themselves, and they are doing it while they are still trying to discover themselves and emerge from adolescence.  We adults have had to apply for a job.  We’ve sold a product.  We’ve negotiated a contract or closed a deal.  We know how to play the game.  But this is the first time students have had to do any of this.  And they are doing it with people they do not know, when they do not fully understand the strategies and procedures. 

If you have ever had to make cold calls, think of what those first few calls were like.  The chances are you put them off because you were afraid of rejection.  It probably took you a while to realize that negative responses from potential customers were made about the product you were marketing, not about you.  Students are just starting out.  They are adolescents.  They do not have the life perspective of an adult, yet.  The college application process is confusing, scary, and sometimes overwhelming.  Adolescents are sensitive.  They know the names of colleges that carry social approval.  Saying they are applying to some other school that is not as well known can be embarrassing and painful.  No one wants to feel as if they are a failure.

No wonder so many students don’t want to talk with their parents about college admissions.  They feel vulnerable.  They feel as if all of their weaknesses are exposed. 

When I work with a student, I take the time to talk about values and self-image.  I ask, “What increases the odds that a person will rise to the top, be a success, become a leader in a chosen field?”  Does a name school really guarantee success?  I often mention the names Eureka and Southwest Texas State Teachers College.   A student will give me a confused look.  What do these colleges have to do with anything?  Those were the schools attended by Ronald Reagan and Lyndon Johnson, arguably two highly successful individuals.  A student does not need to attend the top schools to be successful and to be happy in life.

We talk about whether success is built around the consequences of admissions formulas and procedures or around internalized values.  We talk about whether happiness is defined by the hoops we have to jump through or by our self-knowledge and what we bring to life.  Do these conversations sink in?  I don’t know, but I hope a seed is planted.

We role-play, and we practice how to respond to those well meant but hurtful questions.  We also role-play how to sell oneself in an interview when society tells us bragging is poor form. 

We find something positive about each school to which a student applies, something that makes the student really want to go there.  We acknowledge that we hope for a letter of acceptance from the first choice school, and we agree that a rejection will be disappointing, but we know we can get through that and then find reasons to be happy if the student gets into any other school on the list.

Is this worth it?  Oh yes, it most certainly is.  When a student says, “Thank you.  This turned out to be the perfect school for me, and I learned so much about myself during the admissions process,” it is definitely worth it.