Watching a child procrastinate as deadlines approach is not
easy. All appearances to the contrary,
most students really do care. For them,
college is a tangible milestone, a real indication that they are growing up,
and the application process becomes a kind of rite of passage. College is seen as an opportunity to pursue
academic interests and to try new things, and it is recognized as a bridge to
their future. They really do know that
there is a lot riding on their application.
But there is also a real degree of fuzziness in their understanding of
college, of what will happen there and how it differs from high school, and, I
believe, there is a certain level of fear.
Think about it. You’ve applied
for jobs. You’ve sold a product. You’ve negotiated and closed a contract. You know how to play the game. For almost every student, this is the first
time they have had to market themselves, and they have to do it with someone
they do not know and probably have not met.
And the stakes are so very high.
Of course they are frightened.
Let me try to paint this picture from a slightly different
perspective. Do you have to make cold
calls? How many times did you put off
that first call because of fear of rejection?
Students are no different. Rather
than let procrastination be a source of stress, help your child organize those
papers. Create a viable schedule. Be a resource, and do not let writing the
essay and completing the application papers become a source of stress for you.
Some of the pressure parents and students feel is
societal. We live in a status symbol
culture. We have to drive the right car,
wear the right clothes, and go to the right places. Students know that they are supposed to go to
the right college. Even if they say they do not care about going
to an Ivy League school, they see their friends applying to those schools. Applying to or attending any other college
can be a source of shame. Don’t burden
your child with the need to go to the right school. Tell him/her that what defines ‘right’ is the
college that best suits his or her needs at the moment.
Some students think they will be unhappy if they don’t get
into their top choice. Certainly they
will be disappointed if that happens, but resiliency is a lesson that must be
learned in life. Have a conversation
early on. Tell your child that you hope
for the best, but if things don’t work out that way, you know s/he will survive
and be happy elsewhere. Studies have
shown that there is no connection between future happiness and the college that
was attended, but going to the wrong school for the wrong reasons can cause all
sorts of difficulty.
When a student enters 9th grade, everything at
school suddenly seems to become college centered. “You need to take as many honors and A.P.
courses as you can.” “You’ve got to
improve those SAT scores.” “You need to take
this subject for at least three years if you want to impress a college.” Teachers can inadvertently pass on
stress. Those who teach Advanced
Placement courses are evaluated, at least in part, on how well their students
do on the test. Whether intentionally or
not, that pressure to excel is ever present in those classes. Some days, it seems as if all that matters is
college. I hear this when a student
tells me, “My teachers think their course is all that is important in
life.” Read between the lines and listen
to what is really being said. Talk with
your child and provide a calming viewpoint that puts college into perspective. Removing stress from your child means less
friction at home.
Colleges themselves create pressure for both students and
parents. Recruitment is a high priority
and begins for some students when they are in the 10th grade. They might be met at the airport and driven
to the college. After meeting the key
people in the department and told all sorts of wonderful things, the student
might be given tickets to a concert.
This seduction is hard to resist for anyone, let alone a fifteen- or
sixteen-year old. Publications are being
sent earlier than ever, just after a student takes the PSAT. There are so many choices available to
students, and the process is overwhelming. Rolling and early decision means the
application process is accelerated. It
seems as if everything has to be finished yesterday. Parents can play a very helpful role in acting
as a sounding board for essays, keeping on top of deadlines, and being a voice
of reason.
Students put pressure on themselves. Walk into a student lounge, especially when
the students are Juniors and Seniors, and what do you hear? “My guidance counselor said I should apply to
School X, but it’s not good
enough.” (That’s really hard to hear if
School X just happens to be your
reach school.) “I am going to take the
SATs again. All I need is another 50
points to get a perfect score.” (Imagine
how the student who struggles to earn a score in the 500s must feel when
hearing that kind of statement.) Talk
with your child. Ask what other students
are saying. Give the opportunity to vent
and to express anxiety. A helpful line
to use is, “College admissions is not about them, it’s all about you and doing
what is right for you.”
I live and work in a competitive, well-to-do community, where
students in elementary grades talk about the college they will attend. They’re too young to understand what they are
really saying, but this tells me that getting into the “right” college is very
much on parents’ minds. Parents can be a
source of stress.
There are some aspects of the college application process
that are appropriately worrisome.
Watching a child who pays more attention to preparing for tomorrow’s
history test than to filling out application papers is always difficult. Parents know that college means their child
is about to leave the nest. Most parents
are concerned about how to pay the high costs of tuition plus incidentals. That’s enough to give anyone a few sleepless
nights. Parents worry about whether
their child will get into his or her first choice. No one wants to see their child
disappointed. These worries are
normal. Sometimes, however, parents add
unnecessary stress.
Every year, I encounter a parent who will only consider one
college. No other school is good enough. Perhaps it was the school s/he attended or
one that has name recognition. The
reality is that colleges change. No
school is the way it was twenty or more years ago. One person’s fond memories won’t be another
person’s reality. That is not how life works.
Applying to a school because it is well known is probably the last
reason why a school should be selected.
Research has shown that the reputation of a college has little or no
bearing on whether a person will be successful later in life. The college that the parent is fixated on might
not be appropriate for the student.
Accepting that the child has different aspirations and different talents
can sometimes be very difficult for parents.
The question that I often ask is, “Whose life is it?”
Sometimes parents think they should call the shots because
they are paying the bill. They want
their child to attend a highly competitive, prestigious school. The student wants to attend a smaller, more
intimate school that offers a good education but without the high-octane
pressure. I’ve learned to listen to
students. They often know themselves
better than their parents. Parents who
fail to hear what their children are saying can add to the stress and cause
some very real problems in their relationship.
My advice is to talk.
Start early and talk often. I
tell parents to share their thoughts and concerns, but also to listen to their
children. Be supportive and
understanding, not autocratic. Give the
student time to internalize the message, and then re-visit it if
necessary. Work through the process
together. Of course there will be
anxious moments, there always are, but talking really helps.
No comments:
Post a Comment